Language is fascinating generally: how people use it and how they respond to it. Whatever language they might be using to communicate.

In the family law world words can have a major impact on how things unfold.  Many lawyers pride themselves upon having a strong command of their written and verbal skills with language.  We are increasingly encouraged to use appropriate language – that it aims to resolve the difficulties, not to increase the hostilities and legal costs.

Organisations and groups such as the Family Solutions Group, the Family Law Language Project and Resolution all support their members and the wider community to think about what they are saying and how they are saying it.

I want to focus specifically on two words here though: permission and consent.

Even more specifically, let’s look at “permission” and “consent” when it comes to arrangements for children. Permission is very one-sided. Consent is a mutual achievement.

It is still interesting how often parents** believe they should be giving permission rather than offering their consent when it comes to the arrangements for children. The impact two little commonly used words can have is therefore huge.

The law says that if a parent or a carer holds Parental Responsibility for a child it relates to “all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child…” (Children Act 1989).

However, this doesn’t translate to a “right” to the child’s time for one parent or the other. Actually, we generally take the view that the child has a right to a relationship with all of their family, not just one half or the other.

Nor does this mean that one person who has parental responsibility for a child has more control over the other parent’s involvement either

This is where the law and society seem to be the most divided.  It is very common to encounter one parent taking the view that it is within their “right” to say whether a child sees the other parent and for how long. They believe they have the right to give “permission” for this to occur and so assume they are the parent who has the authority to direct the arrangements.

That position often puts the other parent in a position of feeling they also need to get that “permission” or that they are the lesser parent in some way.

Now, technicalities aside, I am not encouraging separated parents to start refusing to cooperate about arrangements for children just because they don’t agree (quite the opposite in fact!). I would really like to invite parents just to think about consenting to the arrangements instead of permitting them.

One of the hardest things separated parents need to do is trust the other parent. It’s not always about trusting them with the child’s care, it’s often more about the adult relationship that has broken down leading to the trust disappearing. It can be really challenging work to recover that trust once lost.

It is really hard on the adults (not forgetting the children too) to find themselves managing an entirely different parenting arrangement to the one before – it’s hard on everyone involved.

It could mean new houses, new schools, new jobs, new financial worries and even new people in the mix.

Most of all though it often means a shift in the roles everyone was playing before – perhaps the parent who stayed at home more with the children is now going out to work, or the parent who was out working more frequently is now available to spend more time with the children.

Change is worrying and upsetting for most people especially when it’s beyond their control.

Which brings me back to permission and consent. When someone feels out of control, they may try to take control back in areas of their life that they feel they can get a handle on. It’s not unusual that this involves arrangements for their children. That control might just be expressed as them believing it is their right to give or refuse permission to the other parent.

Most family law professionals will encourage consent-based arrangements for the children as much as possible and so far as it is safe.  We frequently support families to achieve consent-based based outcomes (and a court order where an order is needed) that will set out arrangements for the children to spend time with one/both parents.

So the next time you are thinking about your child or children and their other parent who has perhaps asked you to agree about spending time with the children or an activity for them to do – have a go at rephrasing the question in your mind to aim for consent as the outcome instead of giving or needing “permission”. It could save you all a trip to the family court.

For advice about all varieties of family situations and all of the options for sorting out the arrangements for a child, please contact the Geldards Family team

**for parents please do read this as including all forms of carers for children